


Pain... you made me a BELIEVER (believer)

by Diddle_Riddle



Series: Scars to your Beautiful [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Barbara Gordon is Batgirl, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Dick Grayson is Robin, Eddie's arrival at Gotham City, Gen, Not everything goes according to plan, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-01-31 05:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18585046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diddle_Riddle/pseuds/Diddle_Riddle
Summary: Right now, Edward was happy.He was leaving his tormentors, and even if he won't get rid easily of the trauma they inflicted him, he could deal with it by himself, like he always did. Now was the time to start anew, to have this new beginning he dreamed of for so long.Now was the time to start his life.





	Pain... you made me a BELIEVER (believer)

**Author's Note:**

> This work is part of a series, but each part can be read as a stand-alone, the episodes are made to be autonomous and independent enough.  
> If you want to read everything though, I recommend you follow the numerical order, since there is a chronological and logical progression, following Edward's evolution through the years at different key moments of his life.
> 
> Obviously, the song 'Believer' by Imagine Dragons is this part's title. Also, please mind the warnings: not everything is pain in the story, but when Edward gets hurt, he gets hurt BIG TIME. :'(  
> *urge to storm in and take away from the harsh reality this beautiful young ginger cinnamon roll too precious for this world, too pure*  
> 

Edward's heart was pounding so loudly in his chest it felt like he had a bird trapped inside his ribcage that fiercely fought for its freedom.

And he was smiling.

At first it had been a small curve of his lips. He couldn't hold it back, the corner of his mouth was up since the bus departed. And as the travel went on, this little... twist of his lips increased, slowly but surely, progressively growing wider, to the point he couldn't fight the raising Cheschire cat grin, and now he smiled so much it hurt his cheeks, with no possible way back or mean for him to erase the large smile anymore.

Furthermore he _didn't want_ to erase that smile.

On the contrary, he even wanted to _laugh_. To shout at the top of his lungs, to stand with his feet on the seat and start to _sing_ why not, to express just how joyous he felt.

Instead he looked at the window obscursed by the night, his backpack on the seat next to him, and let the vehicule's movement rock him tenderly.

A few minutes ago, the bus passed the panel indicating his birth town name.

The panel with the name crossed by a red diagonal line to show the border of the said town.

And since this moment, Edward's smile became impossible to control.

Because today was the day. Or... the night, given the fact it was past two on the morning.

Today he has finally done it.

He finally _achieved_ it.

He thought about that for years now, but until today he never concretized anything. He dreamed, he had ideas, he made plans.

And today, from thoughts more or less precise in his mind, this objective became a _reality_.

His reality.

His _life!_

Ed couldn't remember a single moment he smiled that much, for that long, in his life, before this travel sitting in this dingy bus.

His life started _today_ , this October night. At age thirteen.

It was the first time he left his birth town. Even to do a trip of a day or two or whatever, he never left the rather small city in the countryside where he grew up. He never stepped outside, not because he didn't want to, but because he never had the occasion.

While today...

His expression was a dreaming one as he looked at the nocturnal natural landscape.

The bag at his left (this one he bought three months ago, it was of fine quality and in a perfect state compared to the bags he used for school previously) collected everything he owned and that could serve him. So his equipment was constituted of a few clothes, all the money he saved from working over the past three years, in his town's bookshop, video club, in one of the restaurants and as a cashier at a supermarket once. He also had a full first aid kit, his meds for the asthma, plus a newly acquired warm blanket, a few toiletry and a pocket knife.

Eddie felt like an adventurer ready to step into some unknown no man's land.

In a way, this was exactly what he was doing.

He ran away. He _finally_ ran away, left his father, his childhood bullies and his birth town behind. He won't ever go back there, won't ever try to know what happened to the people who shared his life during all his childhood and his first pre-teen years. Neither will he try to see them again nor to avenge himself either, at least that was how he saw things at the moment and how he supposed they will evolve. Those people he left behind today? They officially exited his life forever from now on, he won't ever bother again for anything about any of them.

Right now, he wanted nothing more than to... let go of this part of his life and never look back.

Not that he was going to be over it in a snap of his fingers, of course. Even if he healed from the trauma, the reminders engraved in his flesh were present and numerous enough to remind him all the details of how beautifully and peacefully his childhood went. Strong emphasis on the sarcasm there.

Most of the scars won't ever disappear, even if the recent ones he got will turn from angry red to faded pink or pale shades on his skin, so these will end up more discreet than they were for the moment. But nearly none of them, either fresh or old, will completely disappear. Many scars running all over his body, looking like a map of crossed marks of different lengths and shapes, were permanent, Edward knew he will keep them forever.

But to be honest, he didn't care.

Right now, he was happy.

He was leaving his tormentors, and even if he won't get rid easily of the trauma they inflicted him, he could deal with it by himself, like he always did. Now was the time to start anew, to have this new beginning he dreamed of for so long.

Now was the time to start his life.

He closed his eyes, leaning against the cool surface of the bus' window. Everything was silent inside the vehicule, the rare people travelling at night were sleeping or looking quietly at the landscape.

It was comforting. And as the bus drove, Edward felt increasing the happiness and... lightness, that bloomed in his heart.

He had a few steps to take, he planned the best itinerary. If no delays added during the journey, he'll arrive at Gotham City at 8:45 am today, after two changes.

Right now, he had four long hours of break before focusing on the rest of his trip. He needed his full concentration for the following two moves, of half an hour and 43 minutes, then he'll have all day to join the motel he reserved for the week. A small one that had the advantage of not costing much.

He will have a full week to get used to the town functioning and actively look for a way to earn money. Getting a job in such a big urban agglomeration seemed like the easiest thing to do, moreover he was not going to be selective. Whatever he will be accepted in will do, and he'll change for something better once he'll have a little income. With his saves, he had enough to allow himself a correct start, and he was going to work on what he'll find to improve his situation.

There was no rush. He could do a low-paid job during the incoming months, since it was the easiest thing to get hired in, especially when being a minor. Afterwhat, when he could afford it, he'll have enough to create himself a better social status. He didn't care if the transition between crappy jobs and serious work, accompanied with his first rent, will last a few months or a few years. The faster he found a decent situation the better it was, for sure, but he had _time_ , and he was going to work hard whatever he got hired in, to offer himself the best solutions.

He could do it. He was smart, he proved to be resilient enough over his thirteen years of existence, he was skilled and truly determined. The future was not scary. It was filled with unknown data and many question marks paved its path, but it was not scary.

And... Gotham City.

Eddie smiled softly. Finally, he was going to step inside _Gotham City_.

The first time he decided he must go to the town was the year he heard about Batman and started looking up to him, when he was seven years old, and discovered the Bat has been around since he was just past five years old. And since then, he never stopped dreaming about the masked hero and his strange, eccentric city.

Batman and Robin. Edward collected every information he found on them, made the links, and was building for _years_ now, a solid file inside his brain treating of who they are, what they do, their progression and their true motives.

The situation evolved since one year and a half. A third acolyte joined the couple, whom has been called the 'Dynamic Duo' by the press at some point. Eddie loved this name, it was... catchy. Batman and Robin, the Dynamic Duo. So classy. And their duo of heroes has been joined by Batgirl, the new person in the fight.

Now they are three caped crusaders fighting ennemies -who became more and more numerous by the way, along with weirder and weirder every time. Edward made enough researches to be able to play storyteller even without having ever seeing any of them yet.

At the beginning, there was Batman and a few other lunatics whom appeared quite rapidly after him. But now, nine years after Batman's very first appearance, the fine selection of ennemies he fought mushroomed. The Joker, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Scarecrow, Mad Hatter, Penguin, Mister Freeze, Bane and Killer Croc were the most notable ones for the time being, they were the villains who went and escaped from Arkham.

Arkham asylum, the GCPD headquarters, Gotham General, Gotham High, Wayne Manor, the Narrows... All these names linked to emblematic places in the city danced in Edward's mind, stormed with more and more precisions following the researches he made. All of Gotham appeared like a very interesting place to discover for him. He started learning the exact local geography of these surroundings by studying detailed maps of the town. Such a _big_ town while he was at it. He admitted it was even quite _scary_ to step inside a giant agglomeration like this one, when coming from a small town in the countryside he never left before today.

Yes, it was scary.

But the _good_ kind of scary: the... inviting kind. It was normal, when venturing in the unknown, to be a bit scared, to feel this apprehension mixed with the desire to discover and the eagerness to arrive at destination.

This was his feeling of the moment, and the strong sensation was truly pleasant, truly... entertaining.

He was just so happy and excited to reach Gotham to start achieving his goal.

Gotham City, Batman, Robin, Batgirl.

Those were his targets, what he was looking for, the reason why he gave himself this objective, and they were the people who kept him alive, who he dreamed of since he was seven.

From the researches he made and his calculations, a few questions lingered, to what he tried to provide the most precise answers, coming from the videos, the reports and everything else he watched, read and listened about the three vigilantes via the Internet and his own computer programs. A great share of what he looked into was accessible by anyone, but that didn't mean he didn't have recourse to a few homemade computer codes, for example to look into both the GCPD and the Arkham records data. These two places were where most informations are kept on both the bats and the villains, and their security system was obscenely easy to hack, it was almost disappointing.

Via the high school's computers, since he didn't possess his own yet, Ed managed to have access to every information the numerical files kept, without ever letting any trace of his presence, he knew how to erase his searches. It was even easier since after all he was just watching the informations, not downloading a file or doing a transfer. He simply needed to see or hear something to have it logged forever in his brain, his impressive memory did the rest of the work to make the links and the connections, he had no use to take in note or keep a track on something to remember it.

It was very useful, especially when trying to play detective.

He smiled again.

Playing detective was exactly what he devoted himself to do over the past years, and the topic of his investigation was his hero, a man dressed as a bat, the bird-sidekick fighting by his side, the independent vigilante who joined their activities for months, and the town where the three of them lived. All of this was so very exciting and thrilling to learn more about.

In the middle of his researches, the subject of the age of his heroes has been broached here and there. Robin and Eddie were obviously the same generation, the sidekick must be slightly older than him, fifteen or sixteen years old now, but not much more. Batgirl as for her, despite her name, was a _woman_ , he'd situate her between six and ten years (at most) older than Robin. He still needed to find proofs, just like for many other hypothesis he had, but he was convinced Batgirl was closer in age to Batman than to Robin. She must be at the in-between, actually.

Batman himself was the most difficult to put an age on. The most probable was that he is currently in his late twenties, it seemed unlikely he was older. He must have been kinda young when he put on the cape and cowl, no more than twenty, nineteen maybe even. And he took Robin in four years after his beginning, when the sidekick was a child around ten years old.

Edward chuckled. He started getting fully, 100% involved into the 'Batman' subject when Robin appeared, matching with when people started to talk about the Dynamic Duo in the countryside.

He was eight years old at the time.

Not that how old his heroes are meant much, but Ed was convinced that finding an appropriate limitation of age for the trio was a step into finding out who they are behind their mask, that's why he often tried a precise calculation when studying their movements, the tone of their voices the rare times they were recorded and he had access to the video or the audio kept, plus their general... way to be.

But finding out their identity was not an obsession either. He dreamed of the _personas_ rather than of the civilians hiding behind the costume, and he wanted to meet the characters before starting to go too deep beneath the surface and be faced with informations that it might be dangerous to possess, or asking questions people might not want to see asked.

Edward had the time to play detective.

For now he was interessed by the vigilantes and their fights in this mysterious, attractive, psychotic and delirious city he heard so much about and studied as his personal activity yet never approached by another media than newspapers, computer screens in high school and his own phantasms about life in this town next to its inhabitants.

Batman, Robin and Batgirl.

The heroes of Gotham.

He wanted, no he... needed, to _meet them_. He dreamed about them since long enough, and he chose to come to Gotham to start his life instead of another town because it was _their_ city.

Now he was doing it. For real.

Today he took the first huge step into keeping this promise he made to himself when he was a child. He was going to live in Gotham City, he will invest himself at 200% to make everything work and open to himself the gates of this life he knew he had the capacities to live.

And in Gotham, finally, he was going to meet his heroes.

______________

 

Too much blood, too much injuries, too much tears, too much hurt, too much... pain. He couldn't take it anymore.

His body ached from the blows and the strong hands that gripped him, leaving bruises everywhere on his pale skin. But the kicks and the insults were not the worst suddenly, those even seemed... nothing, compared to the new type of pain, of a kind he never experienced before tonight. What... happened elsewhere on his body. Edward felt sick to his stomach, and he barely had the time to bend over before throwing up again. And the tears increased. They rolled down his cheeks, blurring his vision completely. He took a few shaky steps in the small alley, then he sat on the ground and curled up in a tight ball, alone in the darkness of the night, his back against a brick wall and a trash container nearby hidding him from a perpendicular main street.

Gotham City.

The best place to experience a new beginning, really? The... best place to disappear, the best to... start a new life! Where he _had_ to land after running away from his father... and under the reason of what? That it was the same city as Batman, that it seemed... easy, to be whoever you want in Gotham, that he had for objective to reach the city, leave his birth town to arrive here and start anew, to become someone, to...

Ed sobbed harder, and despite his long self-training at crying silently, tonight he couldn't hold back the broken sounds, more and more violent, escaping from his dry throat as his eyes burned with tears almost as painfully as the burning sensation on the rest of his body.

He knew what it was like to ache. It was the only real feeling he could rely on, even. Getting beaten, insulted, humiliated, having alcohol bottles breaking on him, belt colliding with his skin, kicks, punches, being burned with cigarettes, the all deal. Everything. Or at least... he thought it was everything. He thought he saw more than enough not to be... broken, again, by something new.

How wrong he has been.

The more wrong of his entire life.

He thought he knew pain? Fine, he arrived here firmly convinced of it, and Gotham proved him wrong. Big time.

It was night, it was dark, it was cold outside. Edward had no idea of the time or of how long he cried, but hours could have elapsed he won't be surprised.

Whore. Slut.

The words were new. They added to the list, quite long, of words from his childhood. Moron. Faggot. Cheater.

But never... these. These were _new_ , given the fact they were of... no use, before.

No one called him a whore before Gotham. But that was just because no one... no one...

He thought he physically couldn't cry more, but apparently he was all wrong about that too, and his body proved to be of an incredible endurance for once, and an inexhaustible source of salty water fell from his eyes.

Not only he was going to catch a serious cold from being outside in this chilling night, but with just a bit more luck he might also catch a fever he could pass away from, for having his body so weakened and crying that much. And if he survived, well... that probably won't be for long either, since he had no money to buy a treatment, no doctor to consult, no one he could ask help to.

So maybe he was just going to die.

Just... like this. Alone in a dirty alley during a cold night, bleeding, beaten, trembling, raped. Broken.

The hands on his skin, the hands... touching him, blocking his gestures as he kicked, tried to punch, tried to leave, to escape, to move, to do... anything, just to escape from what was happening, because it couldn't be, it couldn't... couldn't... happen...

The man opening his pants, turning him on his hands and knees, placing himself against him while he cried, and fought despite being weak, so weak, so _incapable_ to defend himself or to do anything, and screamed for help, then begged when he understood he couldn't fight, and cried even more when the other laughed at the pleading.

And he cried harder than ever when he started to feel the pain. The blood dripping between his tighs, the horrible sensation, more painful than any other he experienced before, the fat, greasy hands gripping his skin while he screamed, and begged, and still desperately tried to move and fight, and _cried_.

He cried harder over the past _hours_ than over the previous _year_ , while crying was something he practiced almost daily. But never... that way. He never begged for something to stop like that, he has never been in so much _pain_ before, and the atrocious, physical ache he felt deep _inside_ him was mixed with the burning sensation of humiliation, of being _used_ , being... abused more violently than ever. He begged for it to stop and the monster laughed, and... kept going, kept making him scream and hurt him... hurt him so much... _damaged_ him so much... so deeply, so... irrevocably...

"Hey, whatcha' got?"

"Leave it be, Mike. Wanna see the..."

Edward tensed upon hearing two drunk folks walking in the alley.

He couldn't even stop the tears. He couldn't walk straight either, he ached too much he won't be able to run, or to escape or to... do anything. The thought of being trapped, and not having any solution to escape, made the pain increase somehow, and his vision blurred again as he sobbed harder.

"Heard that?", one of the men asked. "There's a sweet little something over there!"

Were they _laughing_?!

Were people in this town always... _laughing_ before abusing of someone whatever the means used?!

He was curled up in a ball, shaking like a leaf as his body trembled following his loud cries. He was so small, so fragile, so... broken, he was well aware of it even at his state and with the pounding in his head. He was aware yet he couldn't do anything about it. Even if he had been a little more in possession of his faculties, he wouldn't have been able to... do anything, right now, right here, other than crying and screaming like a wounded animal trapped who knows it is going to get beaten and don't have an other escape than to take it.

And this is what he did all his life long. Thirteen years of _taking_ the beatings.

But it has always only been... beatings. Tonight however, everything changed and the notion of 'pain' and 'damages' got redefined, branded in his experience and in his mind forever.

He heard the men laughing or talking or whatever as if he was underwater and couldn't grasp every word they said. Not that their intention of the moment was especially difficult to deduce.

He tried to brace himself, and a choked scream escaped him when a hand gripped his arm to drag him closer. He tried to fight, the violent movements  _hurt_ as his body had to move too quickly, making the bleeding start again from multiple spots.

"P-please...", he articulated between two broken sobs, unable either to look at them or to identify every element of his surroundings, the fever and the pain becoming too much to bear, trapping him in a sphere of mist. "Plea-please don't..."

They were laughing, were they not? _Laughing_ , and Ed's shaky legs weren't even able to keep him standing, his blurred eyes were blind, and he didn't hear anything else than the pounding in his skull increasing every passing second.

The noise of something landing in the alley, like a... bird, but that would be a _giant_ bird then, echoed, and the men let out frightened screams of surprise, before a low, guttural voice declared in a menacing manner that gave Edward the chills despite his state:

"Let. Him. Go."

The following echos were noises of a fight and punches performed so violently they were made to _break bones_ , then in less than one minute the two drunk guys lied down unconscious on the dirty floor of the alley, nose bleeding and probably at the verge of a head trauma.

Edward suddenly realized he was sitting on the ground, eyes wide while his heart pounded in his chest. Despite the fever, the pain and the terror, he managed to focus on the scene happening around him, and slowly turned around to see who intervened, knocked out and got rid of two men as if they were made of straw.

The tall frame dressed in black looked down to him, and he gasped at the sight.

"Batman?!"

That was the first time he saw him, like... properly saw him, since the three months he arrived in Gotham.

The Bat knelt down at his level, and Eddie looked at him, still terrified yet very _awake_ suddenly, the fog caused by the headache and pain dissipated enough for him to register his surroundings.

He knew he was not hallucinating or meeting the caped crusader in a dream. This was _real_ , he wasn't asleep or having a mental representation of a scene, lost in his own mind like it happened from time to time.

No, he was not dreaming. After all, he won't hurt that much if he was sleeping.

"Do you have a place to go?", a strong voice asked, fully bringing him back to the present situation.

Oh my God... Batman was talking to him. Batman was... was...

Without warning, he bursted into tears again, and he would have _slapped_ himself out of frustration for such a pathetic reaction. He wanted to meet his hero since so long, he _needed to_ , but not... not like this! Not in... this pitiful state, and...

"N... No...", he answered faintly, and his chin shook as he forced his body to hold back more tears, quickly wiping the ones who just rolled.

"Someone who knows you?", the vigilante tried again, and his tone, though low, came out way softer, way more... patient, this time.

Almost comforting.

Edward shook his head no once again.

Batman considered the situation a short moment, eying him over obviously to evaluate the damages under his clothes, then nodded, as for himself, before extending a gloved hand in front of him.

"There is a doctor I know who has an office just a few blocks from here.", he introduced, his powerful tone now gentle, nearly  _inviting_ , and even though his face remained still, his entire allure definitely... softened, in a reassuring manner. "I can take you there, she will treat you."

"I... I have no money.", Ed declined.

No more tears rolled down at least, but now he was more stumped by the situation than scared. In his weak state, Edward wasn't able to completely grasp the current context, or to react how he would have in a better physical and mental condition. So he only... pointed out the obvious to argue the proposition, not knowing what else to do or say.

"No... identification papers either.", he pursued on the same topic for justification. "And... I'm a minor..."

Indeed, these were three good reasons not to see a doctor: no money so he couldn't pay for a consultation; no identification meant the said doctor could call the police; and minor summarized the fact once the police arrived they could send him to whatever orphanage looking like _prison_ spread here and there outside town. He couldn't go to anyone, otherwise he'll end up there.

"None of that is a problem.", Batman assured calmly, still using his strangely encouraging voice. "Leslie won't ask for anything from you, and I promise you won't face complications linked to your age. You can trust me."

Edward blinked, surprised by so much... gentleness.

No one ever talked to him like that before. No one.

"I do.", he confirmed without even having to think about it.

You are my hero, he didn't say out loud but instantly added internally. I look up to you since the first day I heard about you, I came to Gotham of all places because it's your city, and the only thing I ever dreamed about was to meet you and... collaborate with you, whatever the way.

He simply never wanted to meet the Batman... like that. While he was bleeding, hurt, his clothes a mess and every visible patch of his skin red with blood or purple with bruises. It was so unfair... he dreamed of this man since he was seven, he couldn't... their meeting just _couldn't_ happen like that. It was so... he wanted to _scream_ at how unfair it was that life had stolen from him his meeting with his hero too.

But at least he trusted him. No question there.

"Can you stand?", the vigilante asked then, delicately, and Ed nodded shakily, trying to put aside the shame he felt rising.

He rather... took Batman's hand.

The contact with the glove was... was... wait, was that kevlar? Or maybe an alloy of both leather and light metal, reinforced by...

It almost made him smile. His analytical behaviors didn't loose time to be operational again despite his current sorry state.

"I can walk you there.", the masked man proposed once they were both standing, Edward trying to stay still and to shut the pain provoked by the movement. "Or we can go by the airs."

Edward's eyes grew wide and his heart started pounding with eagerness immediately.

"You mean... I... I can _fly_ with you?!"

And in spite of everything, the pain, the shame, the humiliation and the nausea he still felt a bit, a pure and authentic _joy_ took over him at the prospect.

"Like... for _real?!_ "

The Bat laughed at his enthusiasm, quite fond as it seemed, and assured with an... almost _fatherly_ voice:

"If I tell you so. If you want to, we can have this trip."

"Oh, I want to!", he instantly replied, smile rising on his lips.

Smiling hurt his split lip and his bruised left cheek, but he really didn't care at the moment. He was a child, after all. Being proposed to fly with his hero in the night was an experience any fan would do many things to share.

He couldn't explain how Batman was doing that, given how he looked... menacing, but his presence also had a powerful comforting aspect.

So... nice.

The vigilante secured him by wrapping an arm around his body and pulling him close to his chest, in a careful yet strong hold, before taking his grapple out of his utility belt.

"Ready?", he asked softly, and Eddie nodded, eyes wide and heart pounding.

"Yes!", he confirmed, then blushed slightly at his enthusiastic answer. "I mean...", he corrected, trying to look more assured. "I am ready.", he ended more formally, and Batman smiled.

Then he fired of his grapple hook.

And the world stopped turning.

The sensation, at the same time of fear and enjoyment ensured by such thrills, the wind in his hair, the lights of the city that stormed around him as Batman made a first jump, followed by another as he fired twice again to move around the blocks. He landed on a rooftop at one moment, then fired again, passing over a main street, before curving his body to project himself in the airs, repeated the movement once again... It really looked like they were flying.

Edward's arms were tightly gripped around the vigilante's neck, and he looked at the town and the moving surroundings around him, his head nested at the level Batman's shoulder.

During the minutes the action lasted he was there, flying across the city, and he forgot everything.

There was no more pain, no more shame, no more loneliness, starving, depression, suicidal thoughts. None of that existed anymore, only the present remained. The only things real were the feeling of flying, both scary and entertaining, and the presence of the Bat, at the same time mysterious and comforting. The Bat who offered him this truce, this... unexpected and more than needed moment of distraction and enjoyable sensation in the middle of all the darkness and what happened in the shadows of this town.

Eddie never felt that invested into something, that... alive, and that happy to share an experience with someone.

But Batman was not just 'someone', right?

The duo landed in a side alley, and Ed felt amazed by how... elegant, this man's gestures were, while showing so much power, so much _strength_ at the same time.

"Are you okay?", the caped crusader asked as he put him back on the ground, and Edward felt dizzy by the sudden contact of the floor under his feet after such aerial acrobatics.

"M'fine.", he answered, kinda _shy_ suddenly. "M'really... good..."

Just when he said the word, what happened previously seemed to hit him back in full force, and his breath chocked in his throat as tears formed again in his eyes. How could he say he was 'fine' or that he felt 'good'?! How could he... while he just... he...

"... Leslie will treat your injuries, she'll make a complete diagnosis about your... general state, and will let you spend a few days at her clinic.", Batman told him after he studied a bit his behaviors, certainly to decipher what was the best thing to say or how to appropriately interact with him right now. "You don't have to worry about a thing in terms of money or justifications to provide.", he concluded.

"... Okay.", was all Edward could answer, looking down and feeling ashamed once again.

"Come with me.", the Bat ordered, then entered in the building facing their position.

Edward followed him wordlessly, walking slowly because spreading his legs hurt, and he felt grateful there was only two steps to take, for the rest this doctor's office was at the first floor of the large place. From the look of the tall room they arrived at, it must have been used as a shop previously, before being converted into a clinic. A few people were busy inside, but as soon as the vigilante entered, a woman turned to him and left what she was doing to come greet him warmly. Her short silver hair and the wrinkles on her face proved of a certain age, but her eyes were bright and shining with a vivid energy making her look much younger.

And from the way Batman and her interacted, they were obviously good friends. Perhaps she knew who he is under the mask?!

His natural curiosity showing up once again, Ed started to wonder over the possibilities and what they implied.

"Come in there.", the woman invited him gently at one moment while he tried to make links and was focused on the vigilante. "My name is Leslie Thompkins and this is my clinic. You can trust me to treat your wounds and help you feeling better."

Trust was not something he gave easily... or even _knew_ about to begin with, he had no idea what it must be like to trust someone or to count on someone to help you. But he trusted Batman.

Always have, always will. He was his childhood hero after all.

And Batman trusted this doctor, despite her way too honeyed smile, what appeared as quite disturbing in Edward's opinion. But since she was a friend of his hero's, he supposed he could allow himself to trust her too. At least a little. At least enough time to be given a few medicines for his injuries and his fever, since he couldn't do anything on his own right now.

Thompkins guided him over the large room after that, without touching him clearly not to scare him, simply indicating the spot it will be more comfortable to go to.

They just began to walk when Edward turned around, toward the entry of the room where his savior left him. Yes, he wanted things to be different, since he came to Gotham for the sole reason he wanted to meet Batman! Sure, he wished their meeting would have happened under far better circumstances, he dreamed of this meeting so often since he was a kid. But now _it happened_ , although not the way he planned, and he still needed to say something, to _thank_ him to begin with, even if he had also so much to ask, so much to know, so much he wanted to learn from him and...

When he looked up at where Batman stood just a few seconds ago, the vigilante was gone.

_____________

 

Edward looked out from the windows of the hall of the building he rushed into, along with some other passerby, when the attack began.

The screams, the loud crashs everywhere, the obvious... terror, taking over everyone in the street.

Now the fear started to retreat, the police sirens roared, and people were obviously trying to bring back a recovered calm in the main alleys.

"Is it over?", someone asked among the persons in the building.

"I don't know...", an other answered. "If the GCPD is there, it means Batman cleaned the street..."

They shared a few other arguments to decide if it was safe or not to leave their hiding spot, but Edward wasn't listening to what they said. He rather prudently reached the building's door, then exited the place.

The GCPD arrived on the scene indeed, and the policemen were overworked as ever, trying to deal with people shaken at a more or less severe state everywhere. The victims were screaming, crying, muttering nonsenses in the middle of the street that turned into a chaos no one could put a name on because of how violent and messy everything seemed to be outside.

The chaos.

The absolute chaos.

Edward looked over, not afraid anymore now the menace was gone. Not afraid but rather... impressed. Frozen by the spectacle for sure, yet... impressed nonetheless.

How come a single person can cause so much damages?

How powerful the Scarecrow must be, to provoke such chaos with just a few homemade products!

He wished he saw the rogue, that would have been his first time seeing a villain in real instead of in TV, but in the panic and the movement of the crowd seeking refuge from the released fear toxin, he had no time to see the culprit at the origin of the action. He could only note the reactions his intervention provoked.

The people gassed looked... like him.

Scared, terrified, pleading horrific memories to retreat as if they were in the middle of a nightmare.

"Hey, kid? You okay?!"

He startled, and looked up to the policeman who addressed him, a middle-aged redheaded man with an equally red large mustache above his upper lip and squared glasses on his nose. The man had just put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him with a worried expression.

"Yes...", Edward answered, while quickly stepping aside to avoid more physical contact. "I haven't been gassed.", he added, figuring out the cop must be checking to know if he needed medical support.

The man nodded, then quickly went to check on someone else, while Ed still looked over wide-eyed.

James Gordon, he realized afterwards. This policeman who talked to him was James Gordon. He saw him on the news very often, always talking about Batman. He looked younger in real than on TV. Maybe because whenever he talked on screen, he was always stressed over a potential disaster the police desperately worked to prevent, or was interviewed after an arrest. Being the person who dealt with the bats to stop attacks certainly helped the perpetual worried state the man seemed to be in. He was anxious today too, and he had good reasons to be given the _mess_ Scarecrow made of the main road leading to one of Gotham's universities.

Edward wished he would have been able to see Scarecrow, just as he wished he saw Batman arresting him.

He would have liked to watch a fight between the vigilante and a rogue. Other than on TV, once again.

The closest he had been to witness such thing for now, over the eight months following his meeting with the Bat, was two months ago.

Batgirl landed in a park when Edward was nearby one night, he saw her firing her grapple hook and flying in the sky to reach the garden, so he immediately rushed into the place to take a closer look, heart pounding with both apprehension and excitement. And he would have seen the fight if it wasn't for the complicated labyrinth the rogue set up inside the park. Ed was too scared to move closer than the bushes where he hided to spy.

And the fear increased notably when he heard henchmen monitoring the area, certainly having for mission not to let another bat arrive while the rest of the group must be fighting Batgirl and defending their boss. They didn't see Edward, but at some point they would have since they walked too close to his hideaway. Despite his will to see more, the fear of being caught like that and maybe killed on the spot became too strong for him to stay any longer.

Because after all these people were hired by a _rogue_ , so they might be criminals as well, they probably won't hesitate to kill a young teen spying on them. As a result, Edward left and he walked out of the park. He didn't stay long enough to see Batgirl exiting the labyrinth with an handcuffed Mad Hatter, while the police arrived. He saw the arrest on the news the tomorrow day, at one of the various places in town where it was easy to watch the informations. Most of them were TVs in bars, and he often went there to keep himself ahead of the news.

This night was the closest he had been to see a rogue for real.

And today he was in the main gassed street, but he didn't see neither the Scarecrow nor the Dynamic Duo arriving to fight then arrest him.

Not today. But crazy things happened more and more often in the city, so it wasn't like he needed to wait long before having another occasion to approach a fight.

Not that he had anything to win in doing that, though.

It was just... curiosity.

The only curiosity he had left.

Mechanically, almost out of reflexe, Edward looked over to see if the bats were still around. As often when an intervention happened in daylight, it was easy to spot them watching the scene, perched on a rooftop, not hidden at all, looking like gargoyles sculpted on ancient cathedrals.

He quickly found them today, on a rooftop indeed. Batman, Robin and Batgirl. The three of them, looking down to the street from their perch.

What were they doing, looking down like birds of prey who watch the mouse running in the grass while knowing it won't escape its faith yet enjoying to see it try? What were they waiting for? What were they... expecting? Was this ritual just for the show, just to have people look up to them, or was that actually useful in some way, for them to be seen every time, perched on a rooftop on top of a place where an attack happened? Were they  _posing_ in some way?!

The feelings Edward used to have towards them changed. Slowly but surely, his heroes went down from the position of 'heroes', to end up... he wasn't sure where precisely. But he knew he didn't... worship them anymore.

He may wasn't in Gotham since that long, the town made him grow. Fastly, irrevocably. He was not a child anymore. Not an adult either, no more than a proper 'teenager', he wasn't even sure what that appellation implied to begin with.

His heroes...

He smiled a little at the sight of the three of them. They were beautiful, he sincerely thought so, and seeing them was always so... pleasant. But he didn't worship them anymore.

When he met the Batman, this encounter made him think he was... special. He thought he will see him again, he even wished the Bat will come back to check on him during the four days he stayed at Leslie Thompkins' clinic. He hoped that maybe he would... come back to him. And when he didn't, Eddie hoped he'll have another occasion to approach him, so he started walking across the town in search for him, regularly visiting the spots he had most chances to find him, as he wanted to... he didn't know what precisely, he just wanted them to _meet_ again. Moreover he was persuaded it will be _easy_ to reach out to the vigilante, that the masked man would recognize him, or at least... let him in, whatever the way. He believed so, he really did, during _weeks_ after this accidental meeting.

But none of that happened.

Batman never came back, never looked for him. And Ed never had another occasion to be alone with him somewhere, to meet him in a fine way to... have access to him.

He was not special. Batman didn't remember their meeting. Not that Edward blamed him, of course not. He supposed the vigilante saved so many people, so many _much more important_ people than a bruised homeless kid one night in a dirty lane. He was not angry the Bat didn't remember, but still it... bothered him a little.

Just a little.

To know he was a nobody, that he was no more than a faceless victim Batman rescued one night, and forgot about as soon as he judged his duty was over. Like an unimportant, ordinary delivery the caped crusader made for a job one day and didn't keep in mind because it was just part of his routine, and not even an interesting part.

But well, how could Batman have known how much he meant to Edward? He couldn't. He just... couldn't, and Ed was aware of it. So he didn't blame him. He simply... felt bothered, and now, looking up to the vigilante and his two partners on their rooftop, it was as if part of the magic was gone.

He looked down.

He knew he shouldn't react that way. He knew he had no reason to feel... betrayed.

And he had nothing to do there anymore either, he should rather look for a place to spend the night, since the evening will be there in not that long.

Walking out of the main street, Edward didn't notice Batman's gaze on him, following his frame until he wasn't in view anymore. On his perch with Dick and Barbara standing on his right, Bruce tried to put his finger on the origin of his sense of déjà vu. He wasn't sure where he saw this little redhead who stared at them for long minutes before walking away, but he was _certain_ he knew him from somewhere. He just couldn't quite figure out when they met or under what circumstances.

Maybe he'll remember, if he saw him around again some day.

_____________

 

Edward bit into the sandwich, chewed the tender bread filled with tuna, eggs, salad and a few other tasty foods.

Once. Twice.

He was so hungry he could devour anything in less than a few seconds, but he forced himself to take small bites of the baguette and take the time to savor. His last meal, constituted of an apple he stole from a shop at the market yesterday, dated back to sixteen hours earlier. This sandwich he currently had in hands was by far the best thing he ate over the previous two weeks, so he'd better not gobble it too fast, since he didn't know when he'll have another tasty meal like that.

The medicine cost too much, yet he couldn't completely suppress it from his expenses. He needed his treatment for the asthma, he couldn't cut that for a too long period of time, so he regularly had to go to a pharmacy to fill his doses of inhaled corticosteroids. He also changed the aerosol itself quite a lot over the previous year and a half, after every time it got broken during a street fight he managed to be in the middle of for whatever reason, or after a client took more than he was supposed to, and ended up beating him as if using his body in exchange of money wasn't enough.

Whore. Gotham proved him he deserved the label, in the end.

He took a fourth bite of his sandwich, now eating it angrily.

Edward came in town dreaming about Batman, loving Batman, believing in Batman, having _faith_ in Batman.

And Gotham proved him just how wrong he had been. He didn't believe in Batman anymore. Not like before at least. Gotham opened his eyes, showed him that dreaming was an activity good for children, nothing else and nothing more.

Gotham proved him that no matter how big he dreamed, no matter what his childhood objectives, real or fictitious, used to be, dreams have no place in the dirty lanes, among the blood covering the alleys, between those people looking at each other like they want to eat their neighbour alive yet offer you warm greetings coupled with fake smiles whenever you talk to them.

Hypocritical, liars, thieves, abusers, mobsters, rapists, prostitutes, murderers.

Those were the people living here in Gotham. Those were the only children the poisoned town ever gave birth to, and the only feelings the city ever inspired to these persons were hatred, jealousy, disgust, rivalry, wrath, rage, sadness, fear, madness.

Madness... That one must be the worst.

A mad city that never hosted anything but crazy people, and the ones who were not completely crazy were just another kind of odd, more likely _dangerous_ and _violent_ , rather than simply... different.

Footsteps could be heard suddenly, and Edward glared at the incoming noise.

He was sitting in a side alley, hidden from the main street here, and began to eat his sandwich with no desire to be either bothered nor even talked to, when a little boy arrived at his level, apparently lost in thoughts, muttering something with a barely held back rage. His left eye was swollen shut and a bit of blood dried on the corner of his mouth, proving he just fought with someone, and given his angry words the fight in question must have been very recent and didn't turn in his advantage, or was nothing he could brag about. His blue eyes met Edward's green gaze who stared at him, and he shot him an unimpressed look.

"Whatch'a looking at, Ginger?", he greeted, scornful, to what Ed didn't bother to answer.

He rather took another bite of his meal.

But then he addressed a very displeased look at the younger boy when he sat on the ground not far from his current position.

"Isn't this town big enough?!", he spat, not interested in pretending to be polite.

The other just shrugged, sitting practically facing him with his back against the wall.

"I was there first.", Ed argued again, very frustrated not to be left alone even during a simple _break_.

"I was there second.", the boy retorted smugly.

A cocky reaction that would have make Edward smile not so long ago. But then again, he smiled more easily not so long ago. Right now however, he just felt incredibly annoyed by the child's presence while he just wanted a moment of peace.

His inquisitive nature quickly took over though, and he discreetly eyed the boy. His black eye couldn't be his only injury given how he leaned against the wall, obviously exhausted, and clenched his side. He had been kicked, and his ribs hurt while his torso began to bruise beneath his red pullover. The sensation was a well-known one for Edward, so he had no doubt about what happened given the way the boy looked in pain. Although it was not too much pain, most of it must be linked to tiredness rather than to the beating itself, but... pain nonetheless.

"How old are you?"

The words left his mouth before he thought of them. He was not interested in learning anything about that kid over there, yet the curiosity talked for him before his consciousness reminded him he had no need for a pointless information like this one.

"... Seven.", the boy answered, after he visibly wondered if he should respond or not.

After considering it, he must have decided there was no real reason to tell Edward to fuck off or to stay silent, since he relaunched:

"And you?"

"Fourteen."

The kid arched an eyebrow, and looked him over.

"Ya look younger.", he informed him after checking him out in a... very disrespectful manner.

"... I know."

It was a fact he never looked his age: he was too small, too thin, too... fragile, on the outside, and with his milky complexion and soft, smooth lightly freckled skin, he always appeared... sweet. He looked younger than his age while he skipped grades at school because he was way _smarter_ than anyone around, and while he wanted to be taken for an adult, since maybe that would have helped in many situations.

Looking younger served for sex, though. People paid more when he said he was a ten years old virgin than when he played stripper, so he used this option quite often lately.

"Name's Jason Todd. And you?"

It was Ed's turn to arch an incredulous eyebrow.

"Why are you giving me your name?"

The other shrugged his shoulders again.

"Why not?", he replied. "I'm bored, we're both sitting here in da't street like two losers, and ya don't look dangerous or shit. So I don't see why I couldn't talk to ya, princess. So, what's your name?"

"... Edward.", he answered quietly, refraining the urge to correct the kid's language, while he noted the paradox of how the boy acted kinda rude despite the fact he apparently tried to be sympathetic.

Jason was looking at him expectantly, but Ed didn't add anything else.

"Ya don't have a family name, Edward?", he relaunched so, frowing midly.

"No.", he told him flatly. "Not for now."

It was true indeed. He left Edward Nashton in his birth town when he ran away a year and a half ago.

But now who was he? No one. A nobody. A homeless teen who didn't even manage to get hired in anything to earn money, who was not skilled to fight or steal so he couldn't survive by these means either, and despite being smart, way _smarter_ than everyone else, who has been reduced to offer his body to gain what little money he could make just to eat and cover his needs.

Nygma...

The name was not his. He projected it, this E. Nygma he wanted to become, he thought of adopting the name for years. But in the end, it was just like Batman. It was only part of the dreams.

And he wasn't dreaming anymore.

"... You okay?"

Edward looked up, met again the child's blue eyes, and felt the wetness on his cheeks.

"... I've been better.", he heard himself answering faintly, then wiped the tears with his sleeve. "Surprisingly enough.", he took back with an audible and really _sad_ self-mockery. "I miss my life of before."

Then he stood up, and walked the few steps to arrive at the other boy's position. The kid tensed and braced himself at the sudden gestures, obviously ready to fight him. To defend himself despite his current injuries.

"It's fine.", Ed assured him in answer to the defensive reaction. "You said it yourself, I am not dangerous.", he even reminded him with a strong, not even hidden, self-depreciation. "I couldn't hurt a fly even if I wanted to, I'll mess things up, as ever, and end up hurting myself before I can cause any damages to anyone or anything."

Then he just extended his sandwich eaten of only a few bites over to the boy.

"I was eating it. It's a sufficient proof for you to acknowledge it's not a trap."

Jason blinked a few times, then hesitantly took the food. Afterwhat he looked up to him, once he had the bread in hands. He wasn't used to be given anything, that was clear from the way he now looked up at Ed as if he couldn't believe he just received a valuable gift.

Poor kid, Edward couldn't help but think, despite the fact the said kid looked in a much healthier state and in better physical fitness than him.

"Why are ya giving me...", he started to protest nevertheless, puzzled by the kindness, so unusual around here.

"Feeling generous today.", Ed cut off the argument, not wanting to search for an explanation he wasn't even sure he possessed. "As a street kid to another, maybe we can be a little supportive sometimes?"

"... Maybe.", the younger one answered prudently.

Then he looked at the sandwich like it was the most marvelous thing he ever saw.

"Thanks, Ed!", he concluded, addressing him a smile and a grateful nod.

Edward blinked.

"You... you're welcome.", he stuttered, an unknown feeling akin to a _panic_ rising inside him at being thanked and talked to _nicely_.

Jason must see the distress, because he asked, slightly worried:

"Are you sure ya don't want a..."

"No, it's fine.", he interruped quickly, forcing himself to take back the control of his reactions. "I'm fine. Everything is... just fine. It's alright."

"... That's a lie.", Jason said almost softly.

Then he took a bite of the sandwich, and his expression appeared as being a dreaming one at the taste. Or maybe it was just the contact of food in his mouth, that he must not be enough used to. Seeing him like that made Edward feel... sad. Kids weren't supposed to be starving, bleeding and freezing outside in this deadly town, no more than they were supposed to get abandoned, beaten, abused and raped. They should be... _everything_ should be so... different...

As if he heard his thoughts, Jason concluded with more delicacy despite the rudeness of his language:

"Nothing is ever 'fine' or even less 'alright' out there for people like us."

"True.", Ed had no other choice but to confirm, before starting to walk away.

"Thanks again!", Jason called after him, and he turned around, a sad smile on his lips as he responded:

"You're welcome. But remember, do not... accept anything from other people if they give it to you like that. Nothing is ever free; if someone is being nice, it just means they want something from you. Everything has a price."

Jason frowned a little, then inquired with an actual gentleness:

"Then why ain't ya asking for anything?"

"I am not from Gotham.", was all he could think of to answer, despite the fact it didn't justify anything and people were the same everywhere, he was convinced of it by now. "Besides, if there is _one thing_ I will never do, that would be to abuse of a child in any way."

Then he turned around and walked out.

He felt Jason's gaze on his neck, before the young boy started to eat the sandwich with the intense pleasure typical of people always starving, who aren't used to have food if they didn't fiercely fight for it first.

Edward left the alley, and kept walking on the sidewalks with no precise destination in mind. It was early in the day, so the routine anxiety and troubles to find a place to spend the night, when he wasn't looking for someone to spend it with, will arrive later today. Given the state of his saves, it wasn't like he could stay anywhere like in a motel.

At the end of this week, it will be a full month without him having recourse to sex, but honestly it wasn't worth it. He starved far too much, he was too weak, too exhausted. While when he spent at least one night a week with a client, then he had enough money to buy himself a proper meal per day, in addition to the medical supply. It wasn't worth it to try to manage without being... touched, since it only resulted in him being in awful physical health, consequently he hurt more the next time he had no other choice but to let a bastard use his body in exchange of somewhere to sleep a bit and enough money to eat and cover his needs for the following days.

Funny, how hunger dictated behaviors. Hunger of any kind, not only food-related. Lust, blood, power, importance, domination, control of every kind, appreciation, revenge, abuse, murder... everything was motivated by the hunger directed at something or at someone.

Funny. He managed to mentally call this 'funny'.

Edward shook his head, anger rising, as always whenever he thought about all of this, that is to say _very often_ given the fact he lived in the middle of the 'all of this' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

What was that he used to think, more than a year and a half ago now?

Go to Gotham, Eddie! It's the best thing to do! Go start a new life, you are smart and skilled, it will be very easy for you to be accepted in anything, and you will graduate from a low-paid job to another with more stable income, then you could rent a studio, work hard to earn as much money as you can, and the _moment_ the occasion open itself before you, you get hired in a better job, that involves electronic and will be intellectual. It doesn't matter that you are a minor, as long as you are brainy and hard-worker people will hire you, and if you don't like the job, just remember it will be easy for you to change rapidly and to graduate. It will be so  _easy_ to have a life in Gotham, to succeed at everything you try, and more than anything... When you'll have stable income and a proper social situation, you will meet Batman, along with Robin and Batgirl, and prove them you can help, prove them you have always been a skilled detective, that you are a hacker and an engineer along with a scientist, so you can be useful and help them, maybe not full time, but at least... participate, even if just a little, to their lives and in their fight.

Such objectives he had.

Such childish, ridiculous, unrealistic projects.

Edward's foot hit energetically an empty can of Coke on the sidewalk, very angry both at himself and at... the rest of the world, why not. Everybody was a bit of a culprit, no? Sort of...

He pondered over the general situation, as he did daily even if it only made his self-depreciation grow worse and the rage he felt towards every single stone in this town increase. Then he recalled the unexpected exchange with this boy, Jason, and it made him consider again a fact he reflexioned upon lately. This thought linked to something he deduced about how the city _changed_ something inside him, scarred him of an indelible mark.

Gotham made him a believer.

Not a believer in dreams, or in Batman anymore. The city taught him what was real and what was not, what he could consider and what was stupid to look for or to dream about. It _proved_ it to him, branded into his consciousness the only thing he should believe in. And even if Edward has always been familiar with this said thing, even if he always lived in close intimacy with it, he never considered it to be his... religion. Until now, he had faith in Batman and believed he could meet, interact and maybe... live with him, by his side. He thought he had the right to dream and he coaxed himself that fulfilling purposes and living his objectives was possible.

Now he realized he had been wrong all along, about everything.

It wasn't the dreams that kept him alive, no more than it was Batman. It was the _sufferings_ , physical, psychological, of every kind and coming from every type of injuries.

Gotham made him realize the only thing he ever believed in, and the only thing he needed to still believe in in order to survive in this world, is pain.

 


End file.
